From: BAGELS::ALAGAPPAN "Kandha/Digital Services 508-486-5163 DTN 226 LKG1-1/B19 12-Sep-1991 2024" 12-SEP-1991 20:27:12.12 To: @SHEKAR_DIS Subj: Sounds like the way we do business.. Well! The nerve of some customers. We know what they need. ========================================================== "Good morning. sir. Your new car is ready." "It's four months late." "Yes, sir. But look on the bright side; it's arrived." "You announced it three years ago and promised me delivery four months ago." "Well, I agree, sir. But the product was a new venture for us and we encountered some severe problems which are far too technical to explain." "My neighbour has been driving a similar functioned car for the past two years. Your car's styling is ancient." "Ahhh, yes, sir. Well, our marketing department claimed to have done extensive research into this volatile market and have determined that the present is the optimum timeframe to release this product. You must remember, sir, *you* are buying a car from one of the largest suppliers in the business and we have an extensive support organisation to look after your every need; at a modest cost. After all, reliability is our hallmark. Why don't you sign for the machine, sir? Then you can take it for a spin." "I think I look it over first and try a test run." "Oh, no need for that, sir. I can assure you our engineers have done a superlative job on this car and it will meet your highest expectations and our marketing department know exactly what our customers need. Just sign here." "It's only got three wheels! Where's the fourth?" "Ahh, yes. Hmmm. I afraid, sir, that our aggressive time to market meant that we weren't able to fix that particular bug. But it has been logged, sir, and I can assure you that we'll get it fixed for the next model of the car." "There is a wheel missing. It is a somewhat critical component wouldn't you say?" "Don't let's consider the negative aspects of the situation. Consider the positive side. The other three wheels are well balanced, with a superbly advanced trim and rubber formulation. You'll have a far superior grip than any other car and the tyres are of a far higher quality." "But how am I going to drive it!" "Sir, this is but a minor end user triviality. It is very user friendly. You'll notice that the missing wheel is at the back of the car on the passenger side. When you drive the car, your weight will easily counteract the force of gravity; it would help though if you put on some weight. I also would suggest only having light passengers in the front, and only put back seat passengers and heavy luggage on the driver's side. There should be no problems, provided you don't go too fast and we do offer a comprehensive training scheme." "But my neighbour can get five people and luggage into her car with no problems." "Ahh, yes, sir. But think of the discomfort they are in. Five people squashed into that cheap little car! Your passengers will sit in spacious luxury. We've also specially rated the engine so that you'll get a really smooth ride. It can do 0-60 in forty-two seconds, and comfortably cruise at 56 with a maximum of three passengers." "What! I was promised vastly increased performance. My neighbour's can do 0-60 in 8 seconds, cruise at 110 with five passengers and luggage, and it's a third the price of this car." "But consider, sir, the manufacturer of your neighbour's car is a start-up company who can go bust any minute. And those Racy Injected Super Car engines are new technology which won't ever catch on. There's more to choosing a car than pure performance. Why don't we sit in the car, sir? Once you're in it, you'll see how safe and comfortable it is. You sit in the driver's seat and I'll sit in the passenger seat." "How do I open the door?" "The door, sir. Oh, that's easy, sir. None of these complicated door mechanisms which always seem to confuse us. Although marketing forgot to specify a entry/exit engagement system, you have to admit our field solution is brilliant. You simply undo that piece of string. And remember to tie it back again. We do recommend a reef knot." "There's not much head room in this car." "You surprise me, sir. We went to a lot of trouble to ensure there is sufficient room. I understand everybody in the development and marketing team was measured and they took the average. You have to agree that's a thorough piece of research. You do appear to be awfully tall, sir." "I am of average height." "Really, sir? You don't look it. Maybe you grew a bit this morning; you really shouldn't do things like that. However, you must admit, sir, that it is very roomy in here. And even with two of us in the car, it doesn't lean over. Now, can I draw your attention to the highly spec'ed interior of this model? You'll notice that you have far more functions than your neighbour. In particular, the knobs on the wonderful quadraphonic stereophonic surroundasound multimedia hi-fi system we provide as standard. We spent millions on those knobs, calling in the most respected authority on ergonomic knob design." "It doesn't work." "Quite right, sir, that's something most of our customers don't spot. That piece of functionality was not deemed necessary. It certainly isn't critical to the running of the car, is it, sir? Look on the positive side. It's a great conversation piece, designed by the foremost expert in the field, and our engineers have done a wonderful job of allowing you to integrate any other stereo radio of your choice into the multi-functioned LED driven unit. Though it will invalidate your warranty if you open the front. Look, sir, why don't you give it a spin? You'll be very impressed with its smooth ride." "Where's the steering wheel?!?!?" "I'm glad you pointed that out to me, sir. Our engineers decided that the principle of using a wheel to drive a car was inefficient and outdated. They would like to forge a new standard in vehicle steerage; we're renowned for setting and extending standards. You'll notice, sir, the two steerage handles on either side of you. Yes, sir, they are exactly like how you steer a tank, but we have refined the design. It's very easy to use, sir. Grip the handles in your hands. To go forward, simply push both handles forward. The faster you want to go, the further forward you push them. And I don't need to tell you, sir, that to go backward you simply pull the handles back. To turn left, you pull the left handle back and push the right handle forward, and vice versa for turning right. You can see how easy it is." "How do you indicate?" "See those clutches on top of the handles. Depress the left one to indicate left, the right to indicate left. Now, sir, here's where the design is very clever indeed. If you depress both clutches at the same time, you get hazard warning lights. Brilliant innovation, eh?" "How do I keep them on?" "What, sir?" "The hazard warning lights. If I let go of the clutches, the lights go off and there doesn't seem to be a way of locking them." "Ah. Marketing and Engineering didn't think users would want to run the lights remotely; they expected totally interactive usage. However, we do have a field supportable solution which we provide at no extra cost." "Well. What is it?" "Err, umm, ahhh, actually it's elastic bands. Here's a box of them in the glove compartment. Look, sir. You've obviously picked up the technicalities of this product, why don't we go for a drive?" "Fine. How do you start it?" "Huh!" "How do you start the engine?" "Start the engine?" "Yes." "Ahhh. The engineers designed a totally new way of starting a car without the need for a key. Unfortunately, they didn't think it necessary for that piece of functionality to make into this product. I'll put it on the wish list for the next version. Therefore, to start the engine, you have to 'hot start' or 'wire' it. It's awfully technical I agree, but at the same time it's very simple. I've got the addendum to the user manual here. I think it's volume 20. Sir. Sir? Don't leave, sir. Sir!"