Cost Of Living Now Outweighs Benefits
              The Onion, 13 April 2005

WASHINGTON, DC -- A report released Monday by  the  Federal  Consumer
Quality-Of-Life  Control  Board indicates that the cost of living now
outstrips life's benefits for many Americans.   Cost  Of  Living  Now
Outweighs Benefits

"This  is sobering news," said study director Jack Farness.  "For the
first time, we have statistical evidence of what we've suspected  for
the past 40 years: Life really isn't worth living."

To  arrive at their conclusions, study directors first identified the
average yearly costs and benefits of life.  Tangible benefits such as
median  income  ($43,000) were weighed against such tangible costs as
home-ownership ($18,000). Next, scientists assigned a financial value
to  intangibles  such  as finding inner peace ($15,000), establishing
emotional closeness with family members ($3,000), and  brief  moments
of joy ($5 each). Taken together, the study results indicate that "it
is unwise to go on living."

"Since 1965,  the  cost-benefit  ratio  of  American  life  has  been
approaching parity," Farness said.  "While figures prior to that date
show that life was worth living, there is  some  suspicion  that  the
benefits cited were superficial and misreported."

Analyzed  separately  and  as  one,  both the tangible and intangible
factors suggest that life is a losing investment.

"Rising  energy  costs,  increased  prices  on  everyday  goods   and
services,  and  the  decreased  value  of the dollar have combined to
drive the cost of living  in  this  country  to  an  all-time  high,"
Farness  said.   "At  the  same  time,  an  ever-increasing  need for
additional emotional-energy output, low  rates  of  interest  in  one
another, and the decreasing value of ourselves all greatly exceed our
fleeting epiphanies."

Experts nationwide have corroborated the report's findings. Gulfport,
MS  resident  Stan  Holiday  weighs the cost of living against life's
benefits.

"The   average   citizen's   lousy,   smelly,   uncomfortable   daily
transportation costs rose 2.1 percent in January," Derek Capeletti of
Wells Fargo Capital Management said.  "Clothing  costs  were  up  2.3
percent,  reflecting  an  increased  need  for  the  pleated  khakis,
sensible sweater-sets, and solid ties we have to wear  to  our  awful
fucking  jobs.   And  grocery  expenses  were  up  almost  4 percent,
reflecting the difficulty  that  light-beer,  microwave-burrito,  and
rotisserie-chicken  makers  have  faced  in  meeting  the  needs of a
depressed economy and citizenry."

Capeletti  added:  "The  benefits  of  living  remained   stable   or
decreased.  Especially - surprise, surprise - in our love lives."

According   to   the  study,  high-risk,  short-term,  interest-based
investments in the lives of others cost thousands of dollars  a  year
and   rarely   yield  benefits,  financial  or  otherwise.   Although
conservative, long-term partnerships do provide limited returns,  the
study indicates that they tie up capital and limit options.

Child-rearing,  a  course taken by many people who choose to live, is
actually contributing to the problem.

"The fact is, the supply of Americans greatly outstrips demand," said
Evan Alvi of the Portland-based Maynard Institute. "Americans seem to
believe that minting more lives will increase the value of their  own
holdings.   All  they  are doing, though, is inflating the supply and
reducing the dividends paid by long-term familial bonds."

Despite life's  depreciating  value,  Alvi  did  not  recommend  that
shareholders divest themselves of their holdings.

"Limited  dumping  could result in a short-term increase in available
resources for those who remain in the market," Alvi said.   "However,
it's  a  risky move that could affect perception of value, leading to
mass divesture."

Alvi added, "And let's  not  fail  to  mention  that  some  religious
experts say there are penalties for early withdrawal."