From: johnson ("Johnson") Subject: Re: Lawyer Jokes Request In article <4755@sun13.scri.fsu.edu>, SMTP%jeannie@scri1.scri.fsu.edu (The Wicked Witch Of The West) writes: From: SMTP%jeannie@scri1.scri.fsu.edu (The Wicked Witch Of The West) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Re: Lawyer Jokes Request In article soz@fammed.wisc.edu (Michael S. Sosnowski) writes: > My sister just passed the bar and I would like to send her a bunch > of lawyer jokes. So if some kind soul will mail them to me, I would > be grateful. Please mail, as I don't read this group. Thanks. - - - - - - - - - - - - - God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. - - - - - - - - - - - - - The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting. - - - - - - - - - - - - - A lawyer named Bill Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stone cutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stone cutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put "here lies an honest lawyer. "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stone cutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? BTW, 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin. - - - - - - - - - - - - - The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch: 1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer. 2) Lawyers breed faster. 3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying. 4) There are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings. - - - - - - - - - - - - - A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The next day the butcher opens the mail and finds an bill from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. - - - - - - - - - - - - - A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it... - - - - - - - - - - - - - It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. - - - - - - - - - - - - - A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." - - - - - - - - - - - - - I once saw a cute cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow. - - - - - - - - - - - - - A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears, a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered... - - - - - - - - - - - - - The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: 1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. 3) Overcharging fees to many clients. 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell." When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. - - - - - - - - - - - - - WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS ********************************************************** 1. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 2. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. 3. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 4. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 5. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 6. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, whorehouses, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals. 8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. 9. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.