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From: Bob
Newsgroups: rec.humor.d
Subject: Re: Elephant jokes
Message-ID: <1992Feb02.060827.14046@gibdo.engr.washington.edu>
Date: Sun, 2 Feb 92 01:13:36 GMT-)1:44
Sender: news@milton.u.washington.edu (News)
Organization: University of Washington
Lines: 961
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Humor: Elephants (122)
February 1, 1992
bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[1]
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants
decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going
well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the
Ants gained posession.
The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants'
goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The
elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're
doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just
trying to trip him up."
[2]
There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know
why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant
jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry
was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4
feet off the ground would get $50,000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump.
Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a
baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and
crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the
elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.
Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the
prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing
its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10
per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail.
Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his
bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?"
The elephant nods yes.
The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"
The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....
[3]
Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too
many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good
gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at
the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went
by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don't laugh.
He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It
just so happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus
was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the
elephant.
Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign
reading: "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."
Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and
soon the jar was almost full.
Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you
will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000."
"Yeah, he's out back"
After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could
be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back
to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was
LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet
after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh.
A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner
could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading:
"Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."
Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the
elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant
to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he
inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from
laughing. Seeings as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar
to see the elephant.
In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the
patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears
running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner
paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he
had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.
"Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick
was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."
[4]
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto
the man's penis.
Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy
restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared
under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was
that?".
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally
said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do
that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like
to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
[5]
An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her
foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the
elephant says, "Help me, help me."
But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have
his wicked way with her. Replys the elephant, "Anything! Anything!"
So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy
himself.
Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the
whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of
the tree on top of the elephant.
Says the elephant: "Ouch!"
Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: "Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!"
[6]
One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when
all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she
landed, she say this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch
asked why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog
games. Boo hoo."
"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her
magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was
checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow.
He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there
were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard,
he'd fix things up for him. So happily, the little green frog
hippity-hopped along his merry way.
Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the
skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a
thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a
pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their
elephant games. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a
pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright
heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again,
she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.
All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he
noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch
about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just
couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.
At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where
the wizard is", he sobbed.
"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good
witch.
[7]
PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION
by Peter C. Olsen
A bold new proposal for matching
high-technology people and professions
Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the
right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and
millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for
high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and
expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the
finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel
optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and
foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and
profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the
jobs for which they are truly best suited.
The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt
elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then
categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined
below. The subject should be assigned to the general job
classification that best matches the observed behavior.
CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever
is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the
existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to
step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will
prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave
the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for
their graduate students.
Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a
known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will
terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute
Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals
at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or
minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if
elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it
an elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted
anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those
people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure
the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of
elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify
the elephants.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the
elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim
that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one
dropping.
Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard
to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it.
When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will
try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted
before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does
see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the
vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent
any recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
deeper voices. Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants
and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were
packing the jeep.
Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
season opens. Software sales people ship the first thing they
catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware sales
people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop
elephants.
VALIDATION
A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all
the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were
invalid, but they expected to recover soon. Based on the survey, a
statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety-five percent
of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent confidence in
statistics.
ACKNOWLEDGMENT
This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of
many people, all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by name.
[8]
Three scientists were one day discusing what would happen if they
rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks.
But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was
hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week after the
experiment had started they began to relise WHY the idea had never
been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a
monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull
out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go.
The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set
out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and
the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist
pushed the button to sound the buzzer.
BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the
second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away)
was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1
mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist.
"You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back
in!!!"
[9]
This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And
all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant
is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to die, so
naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the screaming
of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck
in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Dont worry, I am going to save
you". The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle.
The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He
throws a rope from the Porche into the pit, the elephant ties it
around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit.
The elephant is saved (loud applause).
So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that
he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in
mortal danger).
As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru'
the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and
sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh) The
elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will save you". So the elephant
throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the
chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the elephant throws in his
trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort
the elephant throws in his his penis. Sucess! The chicken grabs the
elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety.
Moral of the story: "If you have a big dick you don't need a red
Porsche to pull a chick."
[10]
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set
off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite
the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy
points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"
His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied
with her answer asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
[11]
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant
or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and
culture
or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went
With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
[12]
Hickory Dickory Dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
[13]
[14]
Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
[15]
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
[16]
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
[17]
Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,
grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
[18]
Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
[19]
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
[20]
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
[21]
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
[22]
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
[23]
Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
[24]
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
[25]
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,
and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
[26]
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue,
and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
[27]
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
[28]
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
[29]
Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his nuts red and sits in a cherry tree.
[30]
Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A giraffe eating cherries.
[31]
Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
[32]
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Yup, picking cherries.
[33]
Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
[34]
Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.
[35]
Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
[36]
Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)
[37]
Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.
[38]
Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...
[39]
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
[40]
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
[41]
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
[42]
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
[43]
Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.
[44]
Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
[45]
Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.
[46]
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
[47]
Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 m.p.h.
[48]
Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.
[49]
Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
[50]
Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
[51]
Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open
the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
[52]
Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a VW bug?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
[53]
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
[54]
Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
[55]
Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
[56]
Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.
[57]
Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge.
A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!
[58]
Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.
[59]
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: you can hear tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
[60]
Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
[61]
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.
[62]
Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
[63]
Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
A: The sun roof.
[64]
Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all
of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW bug.
[65]
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there!
[66]
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
[67]
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
[68]
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
[69]
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!
[70]
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.
[71]
Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
[72]
Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
[73]
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
[74]
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
[75]
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
[76]
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.
[77]
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
[78]
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
[79]
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
[80]
Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the
'F' out of the way.
[81]
Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.
[82]
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
[83]
Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)
[84]
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming
over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
[85]
Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons
tons of bananas,.....
[86]
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
[87]
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
[88]
Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
[89]
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
[90]
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They cant tell time.
[91]
Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Watchless natives.
[92]
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
[93]
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
[94]
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
[95]
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street
wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
[96]
Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
[97]
Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
[98]
Q. Why do elephants have four feet?
A. Because lady elephants have big twats.
[99]
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
[100]
Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.
[101]
Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.
[102]
Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: 'Cos sheep don't have strings.
[103]
Q: How do you know if your elephant is on the rag?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
[104]
Q: What's six feet long and hangs from trees in Africa?
A: Elephant snot.
[105]
Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
A: His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!
[106]
Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.
[107]
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
[108]
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
[109]
Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"
[110]
Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
[111]
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they don't have glove compartments.
[112]
Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!
[113]
Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.
[114]
Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying
down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.
[115]
Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
[116]
Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
[117]
Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
[118]
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1
[119]
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.
[120]
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
[121]
Q: What's gray and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
[122]
Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!!