Newly Revised Guide to the Bases

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends ("Yeah man, at the dance, Vinny and Amy went behind the gym and they got to second base!")? Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do?

Here, we mourn the passing of traditional baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. Let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interest of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and standardizing the bases themselves, we present the Newly Revised Guide to the Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

First Base

This was almost always kissing, although one guy I know thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

Second Base

This meant either tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

Third Base

Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

Home Run

This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases. And if it was, EVERYONE knew!

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex (a.k.a. the sloppy triple)? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado...

The Newly Revised Guide to the Bases

On Deck

Having plans for a date

Strike-Out

Duh!!

Walk

Kissing

Bunt

Masturbation

Single

Tongue kissing

Double

Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels

Triple

Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation

Inside the park home run

Oral Sex

Home Run

SEX!!!

Ground Rule Double

Would have sex, but no condom

Error

Condom breaks during sex

Banned for life for gambling

Sex without condom

Hall of Fame

Marriage

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

Balk

Premature ejaculation

Pine Tar

KY jelly

Relief pitcher

Vibrator

Rain Delay

parents/roommate return home unexpectedly

Box Seats

Waterbed

Seventh Inning Stretch

Unusual positions

Dead Ball

Blue balls / passion cramps

Florida Snow

Cocaine (I know you don't get it...tough.)

Rookie

Virgin

Minor Leagues

Under 18

Loaded Bases

Manage a trois

Grand Slam

Sex three times in twelve hours

Foul tip

Venereal Disease

Three up and three down

impotency

"All you"

Make the first move

Batting Glove

Sexual aide

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with our current clarity.

OLD WAY

We um got to third base i guess and then we um got like past third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.

NEW WAY

First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.

NEW WAY

So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief pitcher.