From!xenitec!looking!funny-request Wed, 3 Jan 96 19:30:07 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization:  Dakota State University
From: (Eite)
Subject: baseball rules revised
Keywords: smirk, sexual, offense=women

Date: Wed, 3 Jan 96 19:30:07 EST
Lines: 100

Newly Revised Guide to the Bases

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends ("Yeah man, at the dance, Vinny and Amy went behind the gym and they got to second base!")? Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do?

Here, we mourn the passing of traditional baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. Let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interest of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and standardizing the bases themselves, we present the Newly Revised Guide to the Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

First Base
This was almost always kissing, although one guy I know thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.
Second Base
This meant either tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.
Third Base
Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
Home Run
This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases. And if it was, EVERYONE knew!

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex (a.k.a. the sloppy triple)? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado...

The Newly Revised Guide to the Bases

On Deck
Having plans for a date
Tongue kissing
Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
Inside the park home run
Oral Sex
Home Run
Ground Rule Double
Would have sex, but no condom
Condom breaks during sex
Banned for life for gambling
Sex without condom
Hall of Fame

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

Premature ejaculation
Pine Tar
KY jelly
Relief pitcher
Rain Delay
parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
Box Seats
Seventh Inning Stretch
Unusual positions
Dead Ball
Blue balls / passion cramps
Florida Snow
Cocaine (I know you don't get it...tough.)
Minor Leagues
Under 18
Loaded Bases
Manage a trois
Grand Slam
Sex three times in twelve hours
Foul tip
Venereal Disease
Three up and three down
"All you"
Make the first move
Batting Glove
Sexual aide

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with our current clarity.

We um got to third base i guess and then we um got like past third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.
First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief pitcher.

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