HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN
- MESS TEST
-
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it
there all summer.
- TOY TEST
-
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold.
Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because
this would wake a child at night.
- GROCERY STORE TEST
-
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take
them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and
pay for anything they eat or damage.
- DRESSING TEST
-
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net
bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
- FEEDING TEST
-
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending
to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
- NIGHT TEST
-
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz
and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your
alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song
you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these
too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for 2 years. Look cheerful.
- INGENUITY TEST
-
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into
an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape
and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball,
and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the
Eiffel Tower.
- AUTOMOBILE TEST
-
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice
cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.Leave it there.
Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size
package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
- PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
-
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the
beans.
- PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
-
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest
food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your
paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the
last time.
- FINAL ASSIGNMENT
-
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them
on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance,
toilet training and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them
that they should never allow their children to run wild.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all
the answers.