From mit-eddie!sppip7.lkg.dec.com!jc Tue Mar 3 21:49:23 1992 Return-Path: Received: by minya.uucp (/\=-/\ Smail3.1.18.1 #18.16) id ; Tue, 3 Mar 92 21:49 EST Received: from CRL.DEC.COM by EDDIE.MIT.EDU with SMTP (5.65/25-eef) id AA08734; Tue, 3 Mar 92 17:25:27 -0500 Received: by crl.dec.com; id AA24986; Tue, 3 Mar 92 17:25:15 -0500 Received: by sppip7.lkg.dec.com (5.57/ULTRIX-fma-071891); id AA26276; Tue, 3 Mar 92 17:27:37 -0500 Date: Tue, 3 Mar 92 17:27:37 -0500 From: mit-eddie!sppip7.lkg.dec.com!jc (John Chambers) Message-Id: <9203032227.AA26276@sppip7.lkg.dec.com> To: jchome@sppip7.lkg.dec.com Cc: Subject: rec.humor.oracle #6 - Usenet Oracularities Digest #417 In article <1992Mar3.081029.23137@news.cs.indiana.edu>, oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu writes: Path: nntpd.lkg.dec.com!pa.dec.com!decwrl!mips!sdd.hp.com!news.cs.indiana.edu!oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu From: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Newsgroups: alt.humor.oracle,rec.humor.oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #417 Message-ID: <1992Mar3.081029.23137@news.cs.indiana.edu> Date: Tue, 3 Mar 92 08:10:15 GMT-)1:44 Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University Lines: 732 Approved: oracle-mod@cs.indiana.edu Xref: nntpd.lkg.dec.com alt.humor.oracle:590 rec.humor.oracle:6 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 03 Mar 92 08:09:54 -0500 From: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #417 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 417 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 03 Mar 92 08:09:56 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #417-01 Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh entity greater then congress and a mind bigger than the deficit > (that's pretty big)..... do tell > > What is a good classic play to take my girlfriend to see and how do I > choose in the future if I can't get in touch with you? > > Thanks a million times over! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Hey, Lisa, let's go catch a play." } } "Like what? This had better be good, you know how I } really hated that dumb Christmas pageant..." } } "That was 153 years ago!" } } "Well, it was bad then, and it's bad now. What great } masterpiece are you planning this time, Orrie?" } } "Umm.. Our Town by Thornton Wilder?" } } "Oh, great! If I was your dead girlfriend, maybe!" } } "The Crucible?" } } "So you think I'm a witch?" (ZOT) } } "Ouch! OK, I'm sorry! How about MacBeth?" } } (ZOT) } } "Alright, sorry, sorry, SORRY!" } } "I'm waiting, Orrie darling.." } } "How about Hamlet? Julius Caesar? Romeo and Juliet?" } } "Orrie baby, let's talk about this death obsession } you and Bill Shakespeare seem to have.." } } "What death obsession? Look, how about Death of a } Salesm... oops." } } "I told you." } } "I DO NOT HAVE A DEATH OBSESSION!" } } "Well take me to a nice cheerful classic play then." } } "The Importance of Being Ernest?" } } "What? So you can learn how to run around and cheat on } me whilst keeping me completely in the dark?" } } "Maybe not then. Let's go to the movies instead." } } - Well there you go. Go and see a nice film instead, } like Ordinary People. } } - What? } } - I AM NOT DEATH OBSESSED!!! } } - OK then, how about The Witches of Eastwick? } } - So your girlfriend knows how to ZOT people too? Sorry. } Look, just stay at home. Or go catch a ball game. Or } something. Stop starting domestics in my house. You } owe the Oracle a better idea for a night out. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 03 Mar 92 08:09:57 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #417-02 Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most perspicacious, stronger than a sunset, more beautiful > than honey, and sweeter than Charles Atlas, I beg an answer. Does Nair > work on nose hairs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now *that's* grovelling I can really get into. Sort of. } } Nair works via a complicated process involving a mixture of hormones } that don't so much remove hair but rather seduce it away. Placing Nair } on the skin of one's leg causes a hormonal build-up in the hairs until } they become sexually aroused, eventually leaving the follicle in } search of a compatible partner. In normal people, the sexual response } of hair is fairly effectively suppressed, so this doesn't happen very } often (only a small rate of hair loss as a result). Bald people have } levels of hormones that are too high, causing a build-up in their } hair, and they have a consequently higher rate of hair loss. } } Thus, placing Nair in your nose to seduce away the nose hairs does } work rather well. Unfortunately, the hormones also pass through the } mucous membranes of the nose and into the user's blood, causing a } similar reaction in the user as in the hairs. Normal human skin is, } however, impermeable to Nair hormones. } } You owe the Oracle a case of Nair and a nasal wig. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 03 Mar 92 08:09:58 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #417-03 Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh Oracle, most wise and knowing, whose morning breath can relieve > nitrogen narcosis, whose disdain for Stupid Pet Tricks can be felt > at distances measured in A.U.s, who feels all but doesn't kiss and > tell, and whose adventures with the sensuous Lisa bring hope to the > millions of rec.arts.erotica readers, please answer my question: > > Did Shakespeare mean > > "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt > of in your PHILOSOPHY." > > or > > "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt > of in YOUR philosophy." > ??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has pontificated upon your question for mighty eons, and } thusly doth he answer: } } Shakespeare, William: purported author of more than a score of comedies } and dramas involving kings and other personages, whose works have been } selected by the Middle and High School Committees to Bore the Socks Off } Students. Note: such works may actually be found enjoyable by those in } college literature classes. } } The important word in the above text is *purported*. Shakespeare, or } Shaka-So'pur as he is known in his native dimension, was a demon of } uncanny cunning and guile, and trapped a mortal into serving him for } eternity by authoring treatises under his chosen human name. This } human, a certain Oswald Varley, sold his soul to Shaka-So'pur for } immortality...not realizing that such a deal meant he would have to } spend his existence locked in a third-floor room in a Best-Western } on Interstate 35 somewhere near Des Moines. Varley is chained to a } desk there writing prose to this day, ensuring that someday we will } see the unearthing of Shakespeare's lost work, "Bill and Ted meet Romeo } and Juliet". } } It is a crime that Varley should be confined thus, watching endless } reruns of "The Love Boat" and Spanish editions of "My Mother the Car". } Shaka-So'pur intends to bring the English literary circles to their } highest triumph, then destroy them utterly. } } In fact, the passage about which you query has no real meaning. } However, if you examine it carefully, using a Unix password encryption } program, a CIA code from November 20, 1961, and a Captain Crunch } decoder ring, you will see that the passage actually says: } } "Vroz nqwue oppsg bcxnutyyl, norgtul dcrangthul cornpoptos." } } ...ummm...excuse Me... } Perhaps the Oracle needs a stronger prescription on his contact lenses. } } The passage actually says: } "Please deliver me from inane Cable TV, and let me eat anything but } Chinese takeout!" } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of Gaiman and Pratchett's } delightful novel, _Good Omens_. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 03 Mar 92 08:10:00 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #417-04 Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderous and awe-inspiring Oracle, whose smile is more dazzling > than the finest diamond, whose grace and style far surpasses any > olympic medalist, please answer my humble question. > > I have tried on many occasions to comprehend. The sphere that may be > repeatedly impacted against the ground while traveling, but may never > be carried. The glass and mesh receptacles that accept but do not > hold the sphere. The funny striped men who whistle and point and > seem to hold all of the authority. It just doesn't make any sense. > Please explain this thing called "basketball". And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know.. after how ever many years of getting grovelled to... I still } enjoy it as much as the day I started.. Let me say, you grovel damn } well sar. } } Hmm this game called basketball was not meant to be comprehended. It } was spawned, like many other sports, from the 'This is mine and you } can't have it scumbag' idea. The sphere you refer to could be any } object as long as it is agreed at the beginning of play that it is to } be the object of desire. } } The game play consists of a series of unspoken but all the same very } known phrases, such as 'I'm gonna take this damn thing and I'm gunna } shove it through that damn receptacle and there's nuthin' you're gunna } do about it'. The unspoken but inferred response is, of course, 'Like } hell you will you, you, you, you, turd breath!' } } Now the funny striped men who whistle and point a lot are really just } insecure old men who have never been laid and have a temper to match. } I don't know how they ever got involved with the game but seem to be } always trying to attract attention to themselves in order to relieve } their insecurities.. Some times I've noticed if the one referred to as } the coach slips em a fiver or more the striped men can be made to } restrict their actions to one end of the court. I don't know how this } works but seems to happen fairly often. } } Hope this has cleared things up for ya.. } } You owe the Oracle a ticket to the Lakers next game.. and the } international airfare to get there.. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 03 Mar 92 08:10:01 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #417-05 Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me: > > How do I find a girlfriend ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Warmest welcome to the Usenet Oracle! I see this is your first } visit. There's no need to be shy. We are especially kind to } first timers. } } _It is explicitly in Our By-Laws_. } } This is important because my publisher has recently enlarged my } distribution list. To think We started out with Crayola Press! } } Really glad you came to the right place with a question that } needed to be anwsered. } } As a matter of editorialship, there is a very small matter to call } out. Read on. Fear not. You're doing great. } } Now, if one carefully reads Our help file, one notices that the } "tellme" part needs to be in the "Subject:" line. Well done! For } future reference, it does not have to be in the body of your } question. I know, it's all a bit confusing at first. New account, } new newsgroup, blah, blah. Not to worry. } } However, We have a few . . . traditions here around the Oracle } Office. Not all are well documented in the help file. Three points } apply. } } * One normally grovels before requesting advice of the } timeless Sage. We tend to use the -word on those } who don't grovel. That has very not nice side effects } on the supplicant. _No_. We will not use the -word } in this instance. We don't like it. We could supply } glorious examples of groveling, but they all belong now } to the public domain and We don't want to violate the } public domain. -- Great! You get the idea! _Me_, am I } happy. } } * From the help file: "[...] - try to be sensitive to } new participants[...]" The importance of this can not } be underestimated by any mortal. It takes a Sage. } } * We, _in particular_, take the second bullet point to } the logical extreme. We try to be sensitive to } _serious answers_. It's immaculate, being Oracle. } It is it's own reward. } } With those most minor formalites cleared away, young man, let's } turn to the problem at hand: How We and you are going to get } you a girl friend, a real one, with a worthy set of ethics, } values, and a capacity of commitment -- someone who can reciprocate } prossessiveness. That is, someone upon whom you can plant your } goals and oraculate, } } My highest wish is that we consider ourselves each- } other's personal property: You belong to me. I own } you. You are my personal property. } } For that, I am you personal property. You own me. I } belong to you. What is you wish? } } Often here at the Office We start off with (pre-)history. Fossils } are cute but this serious answer zooms right to the era when men } hunted women and women gathered men. Those are bygone days. } } The next important era in terms of girl friend pursuit is from } circa 800 AD to 1802 AD. These are the dates of the Holy Roman } Empire which was loosely ruled out of the House of Habsburg of } Vienna. Voltaire observed that it was neither holy, roman, nor } an empire and that was the end of that, though Napoleon helped on } this point, too. In the days of the Holy Roman Empire, the only } way to pursue a mate was to join the right church. There were no } other means. } } The next era lasted until 1981. In this time there were several } routes: church ice cream socials, discotheques, bars, pubs, } volunteer social work, computer dating, taking classes, video dating, } fraternities, cafe's, bridge clubs, the Masons, friends of a friend, } the Moose, grocery stores, the Open Door Born Again Bible Baptist } Rod and Gun Club, random encounters, etc. You get the idea. } } Now that things are in better perspective, this is what We want } you to do in 1992. For the next two weeks We what you to go out } every other evening with a text book, a pad of paper, the } appropriate class reader and go the the public spot of your choice, } stake out a spot and do your homework. Notice the people around you. } If you are not attracted to any of the women, get up and try a } different place... } } "Orrie! What are you doing?" } } "Lisa, I'm fulfilling my destied role as Usenet Oracle." } } "But he didn't grovel. I know how much you like it when people } supplicate all over themselves. What me to grovel(wry smile)?" } } "In a minute...It's his first time here. Look at him. He's } combed his hair to a razor sharp part, a cow lick..." } } "AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE SIDE BURNS?!?!?!?!?" } } "LISA! That's not polite!" } } "All right, Orrie; it'll be your way . . . coming to bed sooooon?" } } "Soon as I take care of this guy." } } [Purring, Lisa wanders off to bed.] } } Never mind about Lisa. She types real fast and she's a wonderful } distraction. } } Back to the problem at hand. Make eye contact. Don't wink, unless you } use that subtle european variety where you close both eyes at the same } time and hold them closed for a full second while mentally trained on } the prey. Yes, it dates back to the said hunting and gathering days as } a gesture of trust but it's still effective. } } After you've choosen your mark and you think that she's noticed you, } get up and buy another cup of coffee or whatever. Now here's the } important part. Instead of going back to your class reader, walk } directly to the prey and sit down with her. You and her will be the } only ones in the establishment that knows that something is awry. Eye } contact again. Use a few choice seconds of silence to recompose(you'll } need it). The silence also helps to freak her out. Then quietly, } clearly and deliberately ask her this question: } } "What is your wildest dream?" } } If she can answer, be leery. You probably don't want her and you } should chalk it up to experience only to start the whole process over } again. If she can't answer, you're done. You've found your girl } friend. If, but after openly revealing pleasant shock, she answers and } you like the thought but can't supply means to supply that desire, } suggest a counter wish. I used, } } "Would you settle for listening to some } German new wave from the dawn of the } previous decade that I've got on vinyl?" } } That, my dear groveless supplicate, is how I met Lisa. } } In summary, it's all told here at the Oracle Office. We are really } here to answer all your questions(Kinzler 1:1). } } You owe the Oracle a fossil. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 03 Mar 92 08:10:03 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #417-06 Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, source of all wisdom, please tell me: > Why does Mary go Round? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MARY GOES ROUND } (a play in one act) } } DRAMATIS PERSONAE } } ORACLE-- a minor (but very powerful) diety. } LITTLE GIRL-- a young girl. } } (Act I, Scene i. The scene opens on a sparsely furnished room. Aside } from a cot, the only other piece of furniture is a massive oak desk. } Surprisingly, the only thing on the desk is a vt100 terminal. ORACLE } is reading the terminal) } } ORACLE: Hmm... this is a tough... } } } } ORACLE: Blast! Who could that be? } } } } LITTLE GIRL: Hello, my name is Mary. My mother is making me go around } to all of the houses in this neighborhood and apologize for what my } lamb did to their lawns. My allowance will be taken away for a week, } and next time I'm caught feeding prunes and bran muffins to my lamb, } it'll be taken away for a month. Thank you." } } ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 03 Mar 92 08:10:04 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #417-07 Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, who gargles at the fountain of wisdom thrice daily, your > humbled supplicant beseeches you to answer a simple query: > > Solid paper has been around for millenia. > Liquid paper was introduced in the late 70s. > When will we have gaseous paper? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gaseous paper will be invented within the next decade, 1995 to be } exact. The scientist in charge is named Herbert Downwind. Herbie got } interested in the gaseous nature of things through his college, where } he was heavily recruited by all the best fraternities because of his, } ...er, gift. His gift was to be able to place the origins of various } and odoriferous flatulences. Common at State U. was to here from } accross the Student Union, ``Heeeeeeeey Herbie, guess what I had for } lunch, <>'' And then, "I } beleive that was corn dogs dunked in chili, with cheap beer.'' He was } quite a sensation. The first forms of gaseous paper will be huma } produced, via a small pill one ingests. Afterward, one judiciously } places oneself upon the area to recieve the gaseous paper, and grunts } really hard. This method will be generally frowned upon by professional } women, who will discover the panty-hose balloon effect, much to the } amusement of their male co-workers. } } You owe the Oracle a Chili-Con-Carne Enema. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 03 Mar 92 08:10:05 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #417-08 Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most Supreme Being, if only my fingers were fit to type your name, > I would spew mounds and mounds of praise and pleasantry upon you. > Mayhaps you will take my humble offering of this pile of 16MB SIMMS I > lifted from the Sun IPX manufacturing line, and grant me the boon of > an answer: > > Why are my users such an incredible pain? I, a lowly systems > administrator, have no problem supporting tremendous networks of > computers, but when users appear, somehow the strangest problems crop > up, making it impossible for me to tend my flock and keep my systems > happily humming. > > "My disk drive no longer functions," they say. I open their box, only > to find a piece of chewing gum attached to the end of a pencil inside, > yet they have no idea WHY it is so. "How do you get 'ls' to list my > dot files?" they ask. But I have told them more times than I can > count how to use the glorious "man" function. Things have not > improved since I started spelling out the RTFM acronym to them. "Is > there any way I can make the '/' in UNIX filenames face the other way, > like MS-DOS?" is another query I must deal with. And then someone > calls me with a "Word Perfect" under UNIX question, and I have to > dig to the deepest fiber of my being not to slay the users with a > piece of core from the old T-RAX experiemental CPU that lies in the > back of the lab. > > Tell me, Oh Wonderous Being, does the IQ of an average user drop > according to the power of the workstation he is sitting at? Is it > congenital? Too much MSG in the chinese food? > > Enlighten me, and I shall be your slave forever. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question, although mundane at the outset, concerns The Deepest } Truth: The Creation itself! } } In the beginning there were Me, Lisa and some minor deities unworthy of } mention. And we were truly bored. Mind you, being omnipotent and } bored is Boredom Itself; something no benevolent deity would want for } His creatures. Hence you were not made omnipotent. } } Anyway, we came up with the idea of "The Net": a model train, only } infinitely more elaborate and complex, to play with. We filled it with } "supplicants" such as yourself, and divided them into ranks. (You see, } as omnipotent I could design it top down, even when doing it the first } time.) } } I: I (and Lisa, of course) } II: My Priesthood } III: System Administrators } IV: Users } V: Micro-computer users (they still have a chance of growing up) } VI-...: Different levels of computer illiterates (sometimes also } referred as "the untouchables") } } You see, your rank is quite high: you rewrite the incoherent ramblings } of your users into an aesthetic form my Priests accept as a Question } worthy of my attention. But your question shows a fundamental } misunderstanding of the whole hierarchy: It is really upside down! Just } as I, the Creator, must bear the consequences of my foolish action and } answer these questions, you must cheerfully serve those less privileged } by using your skill towards the general good and answering every silly } question promptly, comprehensively, yet clearly and without technical } jargon. Then it is only just and meet that we should get some reward } of our toils: I your grovelling, you the appreciative looks from your } users (including the ones in senior management). If the former is } missing I'll ; you can have the same effect with "kill -9". } } It is not for you to ask me "What?" } Or else I'll get mad and ! } } As to your quip about the IQ, you have stumbled upon my most } fundamental design decision, written as a biological law called } "technical evolution": It takes a few years to design a computer } generation, but countless generations to redesign the biological } computer. This is the whole basis of the hierarchy above and The World } As It Is Today; it is a blessing, not a curse! } } You owe Me nothing; we're in this mess together! (Let's get one thing } straight, though: even though I can call you by your first name, the } converse does not follow!) ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 03 Mar 92 08:10:07 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #417-09 Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and magnificent oracle who's mind would be a terrible thing to > waste I (a puny insignificant insect in comparison to you) have a > question for you. I've been considering buying myself a new pet, and > I can't seem to decide what type of pet I could trust. You see it all > start 20 years ago.... We were on patrol, and it was dark. We heard > some rustling in the bushes ahead. I knew it was VC. We all got down > on out bellies and just sat there for a while. Suddenly, they opened > up on us and it was real heavy. The firfight lasted about 5 minutes. > We just kept low and fired into the bushes ahead of us until the VC > stopped shooting back. Just when we thought we had got all of the VCs, > i saw a labrador flying through the air towards us. I managed to duck > in time, but my buddy Freddie wasn't as lucky. He got hit square on. > He would have been alright, because the dog just knocked the breth out > of him. Thats when the dog blew. Freddie lost his legs that day. I > can still hear his screams sometimes. I never saw a labrador go off > like that, but I had heard they had a bad temperment. I made a note to > myself never to get a dog after that. I thought that a cat might be > nice, but that was until that siamese ambush of '62... > > We were on leave in d'nang. About six of us just sitting around taking > it easy. It was nice to be off patrol. I remember hearing the sound of > choppers in the distance. I didn't really think much of it because we > used choppers for everyhting over there. But when I looked up, that's > when I saw the kittys. Bags of 'em. Big bags. I heard someone yell > "incomming", and we all scattered. Cats were falling like cats and > dogs. Each one packing a load. The ones that didn't go off clawed > people to death. It was the single most terrible moment of my tour. > Freddie lost his arms that day. He never was the same after that. The > next day they shipped him home. I got a letter from him about two > months later. He had opened up an animal re-hab center in toledo. They > took his arms and legs, but they couldn't take away his heart of gold. > > The rest of my tour was pretty much the same. If it wasn't dogs, it > was cats. Each one packing a load. I heard that the VC was using > horses and cows during the last years of the war. I'm sure glad I > wasn't there. > > I found out earlier this week that freddie died in a shootout with > police in ohio after shooting 212 cats and 511 dogs in his re-hab > center. Just finally got the best of him I guess. > > umm, where was I, oh yes a pet, well something to remember freddie > buy, you know, what do you think? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know, it always gets me when you mortals fail to realize how } dangerous pets can be. Sure, Fluffy or Rover can be great companions } and provide hours of enjoyment, but they can also explode in your } face, causing death or dismemberment. I'm sure you've heard the } horror stories about the mustard-gas hamsters that the Germans used } to lob into the allied bunkers during World War I. Nasty things, } those. Anyway, if you want a SAFE pet, nothing is better than a } simple goldfish. You can name it Freddy, and it will always remind } you of your friend because it also has no arms or legs. } } You owe the Oracle the exclusive rights to your life story. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 03 Mar 92 08:10:08 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #417-10 Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, great of hart, > who stuffs his sausage in a roe, > large of mind, but small of hind, > who always gets the doe, > tell me, can you tell me, deer, > why they say 'the buck stops here'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You ask me why "the buck stops here," } And now you must explore } An answer that does not come near } The cervine metaphor. } } For ruminants are not the source } Of bucks that stop nearby; } Nor is the action of a horse } That throws its rider high. } } A dollar is a buck, you know. } A sawbuck equals ten. } But those bucks never stop; they go, } So we must try again. } } Buck privates are the lowest rank } -- they buck to be promoted. } Buck naked means you show your flank, } And buck knives must be noted. } } But none of these is just the buck } That's passed until it stops. } To find our buck, ask Lady Luck, } And up the answer pops. } } In poker is our true buck found: } A buck is just a chit } That's passed from man to man around } The table where they sit. } } To "pass the buck" means you won't bet, } And now the meaning's clear: } The one with nerve to go in debt } Will say, "The buck stops here." } } The oracle has shown its stuff } To dig this up for you. } If "thank you" doesn't seem enough, } How 'bout a buck or two? ------------------------------ End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #417 *************************************** -- Zippy-Says: If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic.