From mit-eddie!sppip7.lkg.dec.com!jc Tue Mar 3 21:49:21 1992 Return-Path: Received: by minya.uucp (/\=-/\ Smail3.1.18.1 #18.16) id ; Tue, 3 Mar 92 21:49 EST Received: from CRL.DEC.COM by EDDIE.MIT.EDU with SMTP (5.65/25-eef) id AA08153; Tue, 3 Mar 92 17:07:43 -0500 Received: by crl.dec.com; id AA24128; Tue, 3 Mar 92 17:07:38 -0500 Received: by sppip7.lkg.dec.com (5.57/ULTRIX-fma-071891); id AA26037; Tue, 3 Mar 92 17:10:03 -0500 Date: Tue, 3 Mar 92 17:10:03 -0500 From: mit-eddie!sppip7.lkg.dec.com!jc (John Chambers) Message-Id: <9203032210.AA26037@sppip7.lkg.dec.com> To: jchome@sppip7.lkg.dec.com Cc: Subject: rec.humor.funny #3356 - A Final Visit from Saint Nicholas In article , hobson@header.enet.dec.com (Hobson's Choice 23-Dec-1991 0957) writes: Path: nntpd.lkg.dec.com!news.crl.dec.com!deccrl!decwrl!ames!sun-barr!lll-winken!looking!funny-request From: hobson@header.enet.dec.com (Hobson's Choice 23-Dec-1991 0957) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: A Final Visit from Saint Nicholas Keywords: chuckle Message-ID: Date: Mon, 2 Mar 92 19:30:05 GMT-)1:44 Lines: 91 Approved: funny@clarinet.com A Final Visit From Saint Nicholas _________________________________ 'Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear-- that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling; the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling; I opened a beer as I watched TV, where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie; the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should; or else they were stoned, which was almost as good. While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss 'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us; "Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist; "Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!" When out in the yard came a deafening blare; 'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?" I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night, and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight. Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense was caught in our eight foot electrified fence; he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!" Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!" But, lo, as his pressence grew clear to me, I saw in the glare that it just might be he! I called off our doberman clawing his sleigh and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok." I led him inside where he slumped in a chair, and he poured out the following tale of dispair; "On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling, but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling." "You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year, and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer; although I would like to continue to use them, the wildlife officials believe I abuse them." "To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky; I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections, and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections." "Last April my workers came forth with demands, and I soon had a general strike on my hands; I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves, so the missus and I did the work ourselves." "And then, later on, came additional trouble-- an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble; my Allstate insurance was worthless, because they had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause." "And after that came an I.R.S audit; the government claimed I was out to defraud it; they finally nailed me for 65 grand, which I paid through the sale of my house and my land." "And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air; not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread, taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead." "My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings, I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings. And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight, it's from flying too close to a nuclear site." He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh, and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye; "I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat, but I fear that today I've become obsolete." He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh, and these last words he spoke as he went on his way; "no longer can I do the job that's required; if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'". -- Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com. If you mail to original@clarinet.com, it makes sure that your joke is tagged as your original work, and thus eligible for the RHF comedy awards. Always attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else. -- Zippy-Says: If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic.