1405-05
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, so wise  and  all-knowing,  whose  knowledge  and
> wisdom  are  known  throughout  the land, I come before thee with a
> question that has plagued me for a time, and  half  a  time  again.
> What is the secret to understanding women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lack of understanding between men and women is  a  common  problem.
} Luckily for you, The Oracle has come along to explain it all.
}
} Men are simple beasts, they like food, sex, and shiny  toys.   When
} they  want  something,  they'll  ask  for  it,  usually  in a short
} sentence of simple words, for example
} "I'm hungry" means they're hungry.
} "I'm horny" means they want sex.
} "I want to play (some computer game)" means they want to play  with
} their shiny toys.
}
} Women are also simple beasts, they like food, sex, and shiny  toys.
} When  they  want  something, they will drop subtle hints, sometimes
} verbal code, sometimes  using  body-language  cues,  sometimes  via
} mental telepathy.  For example
} "Isn't is getting dark early these days" means I'm hungry, let's eat
} "Isn't it getting dark early these days" means I'm horny, let's go to
} bed early tonight
} "Isn't it getting dark early these days" means it's a long time since
} you bought me a shiny toy
}
} Men, simple beasts that they are, take all 3  of  the  above  as  a
} comment  on  the  advancing season, or an invitation to discuss the
} astronomical basis for variation in day length.
}
} Meanwhile women, accustomed as they are to speaking in code, assume
} men do the same.
}
} So,  his  "I'm  hungry"  gets interpreted by her as "your ass looks
} very fat today" or "I'd like to  have  sex  with  that  woman  over
} there" or even "my hovercraft is full of eels". Strangely, the more
} innocent, direct and obvious a comment, the more likely it is to be
} interpreted  as  some subtle insult.  She takes offence, he notices
} and asks "what's wrong?" to which  she  replies  "nothing".   There
} ensues  an  escalating  exchange during which she continues to deny
} anything is wrong while getting more and  more  angry  at  him  for
} failing  to apologise for the 'insult'.  Meanwhile, he knows she is
} angry, and gets more and more frustrated at her refusal to tell him
} why.
}
} And so it continues, generation after generation.  Men still aren't
} mind-readers, and women are still mad at them for it.   'Twas  ever
} thus, and ever shall it be.
}
} You owe The Oracle a female-to-English dictionary.