Date:    Sat, 3 Mar 2001 04:38:46 EST
From:    Bill Black 
Subject: From the Zouki Astrological Dept.

From the Zouki Astrological Dept.

Your Horoscope for the Coming Week
Avoid B/C boxes and girls named Helga. Your lucky numbers are 6 and -404. Pluto is screwing around near your sign so you can't be too careful. Your Uncle Al should plan on an oil change fairly soon. Under no circumstances perform your Elvis impersonation at the session this week. Make sure a friend knows how to do the Heimlich Maneuver. You will be accused of spying for Luxemburg. All colors are unlucky for you this week.
An old enemy will return from Tibet to harrass you. Cancel all travel plans until further notice. Money will be a problem. You will mysteriously forget every slip jig you ever knew. You may be besieged by Bible salesmen. Magenta is your lucky color. All existing copies of your band's new CD will melt into bubbling piles of gelatinous material. Avoid porcelain.
You will find a dwarf in your shower - try not to be too concerned. Your lover will lose all desire for sex. You will remember to refrigerate anything with mayonnaise in it. The tune you try to compose will be terrible. An old debt should be paid. Not a propitious week for growing orchids or making guacamole. A friend's dog will attack the meter reader on your property. You will win a year's supply of fertilizer (and you live in an apartment).
Do not trust any of your pets this week, especially hamsters - Jupiter is in retrograde. The name "Schlomo" will begin to have great importance to you. Your lucky numbers are Pi and the square root of minus one. A mysterious fungus will appear on all your old Planxty LPs. Avoid green leafy vegetables and National Public Radio.
Avoid sessions in venues that also sell pizza - Mars is in a snippy mode this week. You will begin getting programs in Uzbek on your cable channel. Tom Cruise probably won't call you. A good week to change the strings on your instruments. Do not clip your toenails. Political intrigue will play a part in your life
Investing in a bullet-proof vest is a good idea. An unhappy duck will cause some concern. The new blonde fiddler with the violet eyes to die for who arrives at your session will be named Rikki and she will be a lesbian. Avoid Indian food and overweight bodhran players. Your lucky numbers are temporarily unavailable.
You're a week late for getting your car inspected. A tall dark man with an accent will make an obscene suggestion to you on the bus. The Pleiades are wandering around somewhere, so beware of investing in any dot.com stocks with the letters E or L in their names. You will find the remains of a cat in your microwave.
Dating is a bad idea this week. Avoid tropical fruit and muscle meat. Rearrange all your CDs in reverse alphabetical order. A long-lost relative will make herself known. Dreams of Cleveland, Ohio, will bring luck. You will be tempted to beat the bejayzus out of that box player who loves flat keys and wussy drinks like Pink Ladies - don't give in. Saturn is on the ascendant and the annoying box player is a Tae Kwan Do master who could make gerbil treats out of you in five or six seconds.
Prepare for an attack of food poisoning. A car whose license plate contains your lucky number 397 will back over your new Vermicelli C#/D box in the parking lot. Standing on one leg near a synagogue helps solve a problem. Your significant other will talk about starting a stamp collection. Avoid dachshunds and supermarkets on Tuesday and Wednesday - Neptune is not favorable (but then again, it never is).
There will be a call from the IRS on your answering machine. Your favorite Wendy's will run out of chili. A barely-remembered family member from the Middle West will send you a wedding invitation. On Thursday put all your underwear on backwards. You will subscribe to "The Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology". Your lucky color is burnt umber and your lucky numbers are 9, 37, and 294. Avoid reptiles.
A colony of vampire bats will roost near your house. Your computer will begin displaying error messages in Basque. Your sex life will become even less robust than it has been. You will receive a collect phone call from Guam - do NOT accept it. Somehow or another you will get a glop of Cheez Whiz on your new Solas CD. The name "Ultrepke M. Breshkyunled" will assume major importance in your life. There will be a huge explosion of sewage gas within two miles of your house.
You will experience problems with your spleen on Thursday. Your wife will discover an picture of your old girl friend when it falls out of the old banjo case she's moving. The mystery call from a pickle salesman will be a wrong number. The weather girl on your local TV channel will suddenly begin speaking in tongues. Avoid canned luncheon meats and road maps of Arizona. Your lucky color is infrared and your lucky number is 8. All IRTRAD posts this week will be relevant and challenging. A wombat will bring temporary happiness to your children.