Many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual (she/he/it who must be obeyed). It follows below: 6:00 AM Gym and Tanning Bed 8:00 AM Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites) 9:00 AM Hair appointment 10:00 AM Shopping 12:00 PM Brunch (Salmon Benedict, roasted potatoes, mimosa) 2:00 PM (1) Assume complete control of the US Federal, State, and Local Governments, as well as all other national governments; (2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle; (3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages; (4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Columbian and Jamaican drug cartels; (5) Establish planetary chain of "homo-breeding gulags" where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership; (6) Bulldoze all houses of worship; and, (7) Secure total control of the Internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers. 2:30 PM Get beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles caused by the stress of world conquest. 4:00 PM Tea Dance 6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup and salad with Chardonnay) 8:00 PM Theatre 11:00 PM Bed (du jour)