God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire


God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

  1. How did you find out about God?
    ___ Newspaper
    ___ Bible
    ___ Torah
    ___ Book of Mormon
    ___ Koran
    ___ Other Book
    ___ Television
    ___ Divine Inspiration
    ___ Word of mouth
    ___ Dead Sea scrolls
    ___ My mama done tol' me
    ___ Near Death Experience
    ___ Near-life experience
    ___ National Public Radio
    ___ Tabloid
    ___ Burning Shrubbery
    ___ Who?
    ___ Other (specify): _____________

  2. Which model God did you acquire?
    ___ Yahweh
    ___ Jehovah
    ___ Allah
    ___ Just plain God
    ___ Krishna
    ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
    ___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
    ___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
    ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
    ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

  3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
    ___ Yes
    ___ No
    If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
    ___ Not eternal
    ___ Not omniscient
    ___ Not omnipotent
    ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
    ___ Permits sex outside of marriage
    ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
    ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
    ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
    ___ Requires burnt offerings
    ___ Requires virgin sacrifices
    ___ Plays dice with the universe

  4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply.
    ___ Indoctrinated by parents
    ___ Needed a reason to live
    ___ Indoctrinated by society
    ___ Needed target for rage
    ___ Imaginary friend grew up
    ___ Hate to think for self
    ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
    ___ Fear of death
    ___ To piss off parents
    ___ Needed a day away from work
    ___ Enjoy organ music
    ___ Needed focus on whom to despise
    ___ Needed to feel morally superior
    ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
    ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

  5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
    ___ Self-help books
    ___ Tarot, Astrology
    ___ Star Trek re-runs
    ___ Fortune cookies
    ___ Ann Landers
    ___ Psychic Friends Network
    ___ Dianetics
    ___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
    ___ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
    ___ Biorhythms
    ___ EST
    ___ Television
    ___ Mantras
    ___ Jimmy Swaggart
    ___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
    ___ Human Sacrifice
    ___ Wandering around in desert
    ___ Burning shrubbery
    ___ Other:_____________________

  6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? Is so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
    ___ Odin
    ___ Cthulhu
    ___ Lottery
    ___ Baal
    ___ Beelzebub
    ___ The Almighty Dollar
    ___ The Conservative Right
    ___ Mick Jagger
    ___ Bill Gates
    ___ The Great Pumpkin
    ___ Ronald Reagan
    ___ A burning cabbage
    ___ mushrooms
    ___ Other: ________________

  7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer... (circle one)?

    a. More Divine Intervention
    b. Less Divine Intervention
    c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
    d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?

  8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following: (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

    Disaster:

    1 2 3 4 5 flood
    1 2 3 4 5 famine
    1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
    1 2 3 4 5 war
    1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
    1 2 3 4 5 plague
    1 2 3 4 5 AOL
    1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
    1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
    1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
    1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship

    Miracles:

    1 2 3 4 5 rescues
    1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
    1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
    1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
    1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
    1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
    1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
    1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President
    1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship

  9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

    1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
    1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers
    1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
    1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

  10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet(s) if necessary.)