From: Jennifer_Palmer_at_PIT1@mercer.com
Subject: Fake Blondes:
Path: news.maplesoft.on.ca!dogmead!looking!funny-request
Date: Mon, 16 Oct 95 19:30:05 EDT

A few friends and I were discussing the correlation between  stupidity
and  bleached-blonde  hair  a while back, and I though that this might
get a chuckle out of the more academic types out there.  I did acquire
the permission of the original author of the "paper" before sending it
off to you.  Here it is:

**********************************************************************

From: IN%"EBERWEIN@HEPS.Lan.McGill.CA" "Prof. Curtis Eberwein" 
To: IN%"HKAST1@vms.cis.pitt.edu" 
Subj: RE: hey you

I think I have an answer for your deep research question.  We begin by
assuming (or more appropriately we take as an axiom) that dumbness, d,
is an increasing function of fake blondness, fb.   That  is,  d=F(fb).
This  could  be  caused by peroxide fumes, excessive poofing--known in
the literature as EP--or brain damage resulting from too  many  stupid
come-on  lines  (ToMSCOLs).   All  we  say  at this point is that F is
strictly increasing and twice (or maybe even thrice) differentiable.

On the other hand--or should we say scalp--dumbness may have a  causal
effect on fake blondness, viz.  individuals who possess high values of
dumbness may be more prone to undertake fake blondness.  We call  this
the  propensity  to  fake  blondness.   That  is fb=G(d) where G is an
increasing function satisfying the same conditions as  F,  possibly  a
few  more too.  A solution then requires that both d=F(fb) and fb=G(d)
simultaneously.  That is d=F(G(d)) or equivalently fb=G(F(fb)).

As is well known, the Some-Russian-Guy-with-a-Really-Long-Name Theorem
implies  that  a  F(G())  and  G(F()) will have fixed points if we can
restrict attention to compact  sets  (ones  that  hold  lipstick,  eye
shadow,  etc.).   These  are  closed and bounded sets.  Here we have a
difficulty because, while dumbness may be closed, we all know that  it
is  unbounded--no  matter  how  dumb  people  get, they can always get
dumber. Fortunately, we can get out of this difficulty by transforming
fake blondness to the Revlon Topology.  This makes fake blondness fall
in a compact set by having the makeup stored in the hair. This assures
us that a Fake Blondness Equilibrium (FBE) exists.

Fortuantely, our theory has absolutely  no  predictions  or  empirical
content, so nobody can prove us wrong.

To  complete the paper, we have a few closing remarks.  First, further
research can be applied in many areas. For example, does excessive use
of perfume cause dumbness through olfactory attrition or does dumbness
just cause excessive use of perfume?  Finally,  since  this  paper  is
written  by  a  single person to whom does "we" refer anyway?  We will
take up these important and  interesting  issues  in  future  research
since doing it here would make for a smaller vita.

Curtis J. Eberwein
Somewhere North of Plattsburgh
Sometime in the 20th Century