1187-07

Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

Oh Oracle so wise,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I also know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Now I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

Then, Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

A friend of mine also feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

And Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Well, these are tough. Normally that wouldn't concern me, since I know everything, but just to be on the safe side, I'm going to shunt this one right over to God. God, take it away:

Thus spake God:

Thanks, Orrie. You know, Supplicant, it's a real pleasure to deal with people from the "old school" way of thinking. That whole business with the virgins, the apostles, the terribly messy death, the resurrection what a hassle! And you're absolutely right not to have a thing to do with it. I considered turning back time and doing the whole thing over again, but then Orrie here was kind enough to point out that humans would come up with something silly along the same lines anyway, so here we are.

Anyway, to get to your questions:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

You're comparing the wants of a few petty mortals against the will of your God?

'Nuff said.

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

Normally I'd suggest a few gold coins, but in this day and age that's not really practical, since the government has actually done a smart -- thing for once and is hoarding all the gold it can find. Not to mention that if you -were- to sell your daughter, you would only get a single payment of maybe a few bucks and then you're back in the red. No, it's much better to -rent- your daughter out to a few men at a time, as in Genesis 19:8.

I also know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

You have to remember that these rules were written back when almost the entire population of the planet was very close together -- indeed, it would not be uncommon for the whole of the female population to begin and end their menstrual cycle on the same day.

Nowadays, however, with the advent of artificial lighting, the natural biorhythms have been subdued, and so now it is possible for any woman you come in contact with to be unclean, and there's really no way of knowing. Normally, this would mean you're unclean every time you so much as touch a woman -- unless, of course, you "know" she's clean -- but this is one rule I'm willing to bend the rules on. Don't ask, don't tell.

Now I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

Back in the days when I was first starting out (in the book of Exodus, as you were so kind to reference) it was found necessary to stone the individuals who dared to break the sanctity of that of most holy days. Fortunately, with an increased following, I was able to take vengeance Myself as soon as a few decades from there, known in Biblical terms as Jeremiah 17:27, thus not having to temporarily revoke one of the ten commandments.

Then, Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

Your friend is quite right. Canada doesn't count as a nation.

Don't ask.

A friend of mine also feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

All abominations are more or less the same. You break the Sabbath, your soul will die. You murder, your soul will die. You commit adultery, your soul will die. All are on a pretty level playing field. I wouldn't worry about it, though; you'll get to plead your case on an individual basis once you die, and I'll decide then.

And Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Where do you think the term "20/20" came from? You surely didn't think that was just an optometrist catch-phrase, did you?

Unfortunately, what with the rising number of people with vision problems, it looks like I'd lose a good sixty percent of my following if I started enforcing this strictly, and an all-out miracle of that sort of scale would make the sort of headlines I just can't afford. First it's correcting vision, and next thing you know I've got six billion phone calls for lottery numbers the next day. Ugh. No thanks.

So don't worry. You can keep going to the tabernacle with no fear of divine retribution.

All these questions and more are why I have been considering a new and improved Torah, which is currently in the editing stages. What with the legal department breathing down my neck, the politically correct faction, and various minority groups clamoring for attention, it doesn't look like it'll hit the stores before 2936, and I fully plan to have annihilated the Universe long before then. In other words, it's probably going to be a no-go. Which is just as well, as with the revisions, additions, footnotes, and appendix, the NIT would be well over sixty-three volumes, which might be a tad difficult to cart back and forth every seventh day.

In the meantime, feel free to contact either Orrie or Myself, and we'll try to lay any fears you have to rest.

Oh yes, and one thing Orrie asked me to add: you owe your eternal soul. to Orrie or to Me; your choice (but if I were you, I'd take under consideration that Zadoc didn't just appear out of thin air...)