Date: Mon, 26 Sep 94 12:20:04 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Lockheed - Martin Marietta - Air Force Merger
From: gandalf@squirl.oau.org

The following was given to me by someone at Kennedy Space Center, found 
floating around the office.  Background information.  Lockheed corporation 
(makers of the SR-71, F-16, C-103, U-2 (not the band silly ;-)) and many 
space items (including launching the Space Shuttle), defense, etc) and 
Martin Marietta (makers of the Titan II, Titan 3, Titan 4, Atlas, 
electronics, space craft, defense, etc.) announced recently that they are 
planning in merging.  This would make the company the largest defense / 
space company in the world.  The merger has to be approved by the US Gov't.

U.S. Air Force to Merge with Lockheed / Martin

Washington (UPI) - In an statement that shocked the defense industry, the 
U.S. Air Force announced today that it will merge with the recently merged 
Lockheed-Martin conglomerate.  Air Force Chief of Staff Merrill McPeak made 
the announcement at a White House ceremony today.

"I'm very pleased with the new merger and am excited about working with the 
contracting world even more closely," McPeak said of the $600 trillion 
deal. The merger would be the second largest in the country - topped only 
by the recent marriage of Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson.

The plans for the new company, to be called Air Lockletta, are somewhat 
sketchy but sources say that the former contractors will move into military 
housing at already closed military bases around the country.  Air Lockletta 
believes that forcing their employees into government housing will save the 
company billions of dollars a year.

The merger wasn't a happy occasion for all, though.  Many of the former 
contractors were incensed to learn that they would be forced to give up 
their frequent flier miles to the Company and many of the former Air Force 
personnel were upset that they would now have to decide what to wear every 
morning.

"It's just not fair," said Capt. Jim Lindsay of Onizuka Air Station, "I've 
invested thousands of dollars in polyester pants and patent leather shoes 
and they just pulled the rug out from underneath me.  Where am I going to 
get the money to pay for new clothing and, more importantly, how will I 
know if it matches?  They ought to make the old contractors wear uniforms 
instead."

Shareholders of the old Lockheed-Martin company are also unhappy because 
the value of their stock plummeted with the announcement.  Analysts say 
that the drop occurred because of the debt the Lockheed-Martin group took 
on due to the merger with the Air Force.

The merger has left the other services scrambling to look into mergers of 
their own.  The Navy is interested in a deal with Carnival Cruise lines, 
but Kathy Lee Gifford has said that she and Richard Simmons oppose a 
government takeover.  The Army is saying it is keeping its options open but 
that it expects to close a deal with the Marines sometime in the near 
future.  The Marines, upset at not having been included in the Navy 
negotiations with Carnival, say that they want to be affiliated with 
another organization, and for once an organization that is smarter than 
they are.

Many say that the Air Lockletta merger will take a while to "fit" the 
people, though.  "We know how to spend money but we don't know a damn thing 
about making it," said an unidentified Lt. Col. in charge of OD-4/DH, a 
former Air Force Organization.  Many analysts agree with the Lt. Col. and 
have said that the company will have trouble initially.