Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew
by Rabbi Jack Moline
- ABBOTT:
- I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
- COSTELLO:
- I'm ready to learn.
- A:
- Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English
have
many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
- C:
- Sure, I understand.
- A:
- Now, don't be too quick to say that.
- C:
- How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some
words
in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same.
- A:
- Precisely.
- C:
- We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
- A:
- No, no. Precisely is an English word.
- C:
- I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make
with the Hebrew.
- A:
- Fine. Let's start with mee.
- C:
- You.
- A:
- No , mee.
- C:
- Fine, we'll start with you.
- A:
- No, we'll start with mee.
- C:
- Okay, have it your way.
- A:
- Now, mee is who.
- C:
- You is Abbott.
- A:
- No, no, no. Mee is who.
- C:
- You is Abbott.
- A:
- You don't understand.
- C:
- I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
- A:
- Yes I did. Mee is who.
- C:
- You is Abbott.
- A:
- No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
- C:
- Well, you're a nice enough guy.
- A:
- No, no. Tell me about mee!
- C:
- Who?
- A:
- Precisely.
- C:
- Precisely what?
- A:
- Precisely who.
- C:
- It's precisely whom!
- A:
- No, mee is who.
- C:
- Don't start that again-go on to something else.
- A:
- All right. Hu is he.
- C:
- Who is he?
- A:
- Yes.
- C:
- I don't know. Who is he?
- A:
- Sure you do. You just said it.
- C:
- I just said what?
- A:
- Hu is he.
- C:
- Who is he?
- A:
- Precisely.
- C:
- Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
- A:
- No, precisely he.
- C:
- Precisely he? Who is he?
- A:
- Precisely!
- C:
- And what about me?
- A:
- Who.
- C
- me, me, me!
- A
- Who, who who!
- C
- What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
- A
- No, hu is he!
- C:
- I don't know I maybe he is me!
- A:
- No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
- C:
- Do his parents know about this?
- A:
- About what?
- C:
- About he!
- A:
- What about her?
- C:
- That she is he!
- A:
- No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
- C:
- Then who is he?
- A:
- Precisely!
- C:
- Who?
- A:
- He!
- C:
- Me?
- A:
- Who'
- C:
- He?
- A:
- She!
- C:
- Who is she?
- A:
- No, hu is he.
- C:
- I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
- A:
- No, that's not right.
- C:
- How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said
it,
and I know me.
- A:
- Who.
- C:
- Who?
- A:
- Precisely!
- C:
- Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
- A:
- No, hee is she!
- C:
- Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew,
and
now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
- A:
- Go ahead.
- C:
- Now first You want to know mee is who.
- A:
- Correct.
- C:
- And then you say hu is he.
- A:
- Absolutely.
- C
- And then you tell me hee is she.
A & C: Precisely!
- C
- Now look at this logically. If mee is who. And hu is he. And hee is
she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
- A:
- Who?
- C:
- She!
- A:
- That is hee!
- C:
- Who is he?
- A&C:
- Precisely!
- C:
- I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. You
know what I want? Ma!
- A:
- What.
- C:
- I said ma.
- A:
- What.
- Q:
- What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
- A:
- What!
- C:
- Not what, who!
- A:
- He!
- C:
- Not he! Ma is not he!
- A:
- Of course not! Hu is he!
- C:
- I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, he
is
she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now an play with my dog.
- A:
- Fish.
- C:
- Fish?
- A:
- Dog is fish.
- C:
- That's all, I'm outa here.