From news.westnet.com!port10.ts1.westnet.com!user Thu, 21 Dec 1995 21:52:44 -0500
Path: news.westnet.com!port10.ts1.westnet.com!user
From: wjakab@westnet.com (William Jakab)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: 12 days of hell...(Poor Rita)
Date: Thu, 21 Dec 1995 21:52:44 -0500
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Rita Hawley
Hawaiian Inn
2522 N. Dale Mabry
Tampa, FL

Dearest Ken,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Rita

December 15, 1995

Rita Hawley
Hawaiian Inn
2522 N. Dale Mabry
Tampa, FL

Dearest Ken,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine ‹ two turtle doves! I am delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Rita

December 16, 1995

Rita Hawley
Hawaiian Inn
2522 N. Dale Mabry
Tampa, FL

Dear Ken,

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity ‹ three French hens. They are just darling, but I must insist ‹ you've been too kind.

Love,

Rita

December 17, 1995

Rita Hawley
Hawaiian Inn
2522 N. Dale Mabry
Tampa, FL

Dear Ken,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they're beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Rita

December 18, 1995

Rita Hawley
Hawaiian Inn
2522 N. Dale Mabry
Tampa, FL

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Rita

December 19, 1995

Rita Hawley
Hawaiian Inn
2522 N. Dale Mabry
Tampa, FL

Dear Ken,

When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.

PLEASE STOP.

Cordially,

Rita

December 20, 1995

Rita Hawley
Hawaiian Inn
2522 N. Dale Mabry
Tampa, FL

Ken,

What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of gad damn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so top with those fucking birds.

Sincerely,

Rita

December 21, 1995

Rita Hawley
Hawaiian Inn
2522 N. Dale Mabry
Tampa, FL

OK, Buster,

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids
a-milking, but they had to bring their god damn cows. There's shit all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Rita

December 22, 1995

Rita Hawley
Hawaiian Inn
2522 N. Dale Mabry
Tampa, FL

Hey, shithead,

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,

Rita

December 23, 1995

Rita Hawley
Hawaiian Inn
2522 N. Dale Mabry
Tampa, FL

You rotten prick,

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm siccing the police on you.

One who means it,

Rita

December 24, 1995

Rita Hawley
Hawaiian Inn
2522 N. Dale Mabry
Tampa, FL

Listen, Fuckhead,

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Rita

Law Offices
Black, Cobb, Cole Crotty & Sigreen

First Federal Building
501 North Grandview Avenue
Daytona Beach, FL 32015

December 25, 1995

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Rita Hawley. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Hawley at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Black, Cobb, Cole Crotty & Sigreen