From mit-eddie!sppip7.lkg.dec.com!jc Fri Feb 28 23:05:11 1992 Return-Path: Received: by minya.uucp (/\=-/\ Smail3.1.18.1 #18.16) id ; Fri, 28 Feb 92 23:05 EST Received: from [192.58.206.2] by EDDIE.MIT.EDU with SMTP (5.65/25-eef) id AA17813; Fri, 28 Feb 92 15:47:56 -0500 Received: by crl.dec.com; id AA00529; Fri, 28 Feb 92 15:47:51 -0500 Received: by sppip7.lkg.dec.com (5.57/ULTRIX-fma-071891); id AA00595; Fri, 28 Feb 92 15:50:17 -0500 Date: Fri, 28 Feb 92 15:50:17 -0500 From: mit-eddie!sppip7.lkg.dec.com!jc (John Chambers) Message-Id: <9202282050.AA00595@sppip7.lkg.dec.com> To: jchome@sppip7.lkg.dec.com Cc: Subject: rec.humor.oracle #3 - Usenet Oracularities Digest #415 In article <1992Feb26.061417.4212@news.cs.indiana.edu>, oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu writes: Path: nntpd.lkg.dec.com!news.crl.dec.com!deccrl!caen!sdd.hp.com!news.cs.indiana.edu!oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu From: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Newsgroups: alt.humor.oracle,rec.humor.oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #415 Message-ID: <1992Feb26.061417.4212@news.cs.indiana.edu> Date: Wed, 26 Feb 92 06:14:04 GMT-)1:44 Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University Lines: 534 Approved: oracle-mod@cs.indiana.edu Xref: nntpd.lkg.dec.com alt.humor.oracle:579 rec.humor.oracle:3 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 26 Feb 92 06:13:34 -0500 From: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #415 * Please welcome Oracle Priest Joshua R Poulson as editor of the Usenet * Oracularities for the next 6 months. He's taking over for me while I'm * in Barcelona, Spain working on a computer graphics project associated * with the Summer Olympics there. Look for our simulations of high jump, * pole vault and high bar performances on TV in your country. We expect * that everything with the Oracle should work as usual during my absence * -- I'll still be on the net. Please report any problems to * oracle-people@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu as before. * Hasta luego, Steve Kinzler * Thanks for the welcome, have fun in Barcelona! --JRP To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 415 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 410 23 votes 49640 07a42 12a73 14783 36752 04a81 09851 02a92 38930 14675 410 3.1 mean 2.4 3.0 3.4 3.3 2.9 3.3 2.9 3.5 2.5 3.5 ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 26 Feb 92 06:13:41 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #415-01 Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why ask why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } why not? } } You owe the Oracle a non-recursive question. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 26 Feb 92 06:13:44 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #415-02 Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are objects in mirror really closer than they appear, or is it all > just a plot by lawyers and insurance companies to cause accidents??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm really not very impressed by the lack of grovelling in your } question. I'll let you off just this once, since I've used up my } quota for the day, and Steve has been on my back recently } about my abrupt treatment of supplicants. Just treat me with the } respect I deserve next time, or you won't live to regret it. } } To answer your question, objects in mirrors and not closer than they } appear, just smaller. This was originally a plot by a consortium of } beauty therapists and plastic surgeons. Their idea was that if all } mirrors were to show up your reflection in all its larger than life } horridness, you would feel worse about yourself than you already do } and go get some treatment. } } The reason you just crashed your car is that you shouldn't have been } pulling out to overtake the funeral procession at such a high speed } around a tight bend in the fog. } } You owe the Oracle a fully comprehensive insurance policy for his } Chariot of Fire. And a nose job. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 26 Feb 92 06:13:45 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #415-03 Selected-By: engel@sj.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Eh ... (munch, munch, munch) ... what's up, doc? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Heh, heh, heh I finawy got that wascal wabit! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 26 Feb 92 06:13:46 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #415-04 Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ... calling International rescue ... calling International Rescue > ... come in please ... we are stranded on the Internet and out > terminal is down ... we have been nearly kill -9'd several times ... > we need help ... come in please ... calling International rescue ... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Great Scott! It's the bitalarm, and someone's in trouble! I've got } to duck out of this charity ball as quietly as possible and get to } the Bitcave ... . Pardon ... . 'Scuse me ... . Hello, Michelle, love } the outfit ... Pardon ... . } } MEANWHILE, IN AN UNDERGROUND CAVERN FAR BENEATH } THE QUIET STREETS OF THE CITY ... . } } "we need help ... come in please ... calling International } rescue ... " } } "Mmmbahaha! Listen to the poor stranded ninny. Did someone change } his domain name while he was out touring the Internet? Ha! Now maybe } he'll learn not to say no when I ask for root privileges on his } systems. Turn off that scanner, I've heard enough of his whining!" } } [The scanner is shut off.] } } "What to do, what to do? Shall I unplug his machine without } executing a smooth powerdown, or just 'rm /etc/*'? Oooo, I love this } part! I think tonight I'll warm up with an 'alias vi emacs.'" } } Not so fast, PowerUser. Tonight I shut you down. } } "Bitman! How did you get here?" } } I've written a Bitmail program which was able to reply to your } extortion letters. It was a simple matter of tracing down } evil.hideout.com. } } "Vey clever, bitbrain. But this postmaster is about to reject your } letter. Get him, boys!" } } [Bam! Pow! ! Biff!] } } So much for your multitasking, PowerUser. From now on, the only } program you'll be executing is the physical fitness regimen at the } state pen. } } "I don't think so, Bitman. Or should I say, ... . Oracle!" } } What?!? What do you mean? } } "I've discovered your secret identity, Bitman. You forgot yourself } in the heat of battle. Who but the Usenet Oracle would be able to } zot a henchman like that?" } } What's your point, PowerUser? } } "If you turn me in, I'll have a trial. A very public trial, one in } which I can guarantee that the name Usenet Oracle will figure } prominently." } } It's more of a title than a name. } } "Whatever. But of course, there's another choice, isn't there? You } leave me alone, and I'll leave you alone. Both of you." } } First, restore the sysop's domain name and terminal. } } "Perhaps you don't understand -" } } NOW! } } "Yes, yes, very well ... . There. He's fine, though why you take } such interest in -- what are you doing with that cable?" } } I'm rewiring you, PowerUser. The Internet is dangerous enough } without scalliwags like you running around. From now on, if you want } to read talk.crime.costumes, you'll have to do it the old fashioned } way. By LISTSERV. } } "What?" } } I've converted your host, PowerUser. You're now on BITNET -- } } "BITNET! You wouldn't dare. I know who you are!" } } -- and you're on a VM machine. } } "No! Not VM! Please! I'll never tell! I'll never reveal your } identity! But please, please give me back Unix!" } } Too late, PowerUser. The conversion's done. I usually charge extra } for field service after hours, but this time, you only owe Bitman } the merchandizing rights for the sequel. } } "And people think I'm evil! You're a fiend, Bitman." } } One last thing. If you have any problems, give IBM tech support a } call. } } "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 26 Feb 92 06:13:47 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #415-05 Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Oracle! > > Is Navindodolo a good kind of beer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let us take a journey to a place where the Navindodolo roam ... } } Picture if you will, a hot, dusty desert, with the occasional } cactus. In the distance, by what was once a creek (you can tell by } the dead trees on its banks) there is a dark smudge. Let's zoom in } on it ... feeling the heat are you, mortal (heh, heh, heh)? } } It's a one-street town. The kind of town that might have been two } streets if someone hadn't realised how shitty the weather was here. } Now, all that remains on these ghostly streets is the occasional } tumble-weed and a new form of life, left behind by mankind. Animate } beer cans. } } Lucky for you, mortal, we are about to witness the arrival a group } of mean, nasty, cussin' band of beer cans that make Billy the Kid } look like water. Little baby Navindodolo beer cans are nudged off } the streets by their frantic mothers as the Beer Can Bandits roll } into town. } } They stop, their way blocked by one lone, beer can. A beer can to } whom Law is all and Disorder must be halted - by a bullet if need } be. A good kind of beer can - Sheriff Navindodolo. } } As the sheriff blasts the Beer Can Bandits into tiny strips of } aluminium, you now know the answer to your question. Navindodolo is } a good kind of beer. } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime subscription to Navindodolo. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 26 Feb 92 06:13:49 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #415-06 Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: ORACLE > > Oh amazingly portentious, melifulous Oracle, whose toejam I am not > fit to consume, whose bellybutton lint I am unfit to use as a > tampon, please answer me this humbly asked question. > > I am constantly sickened by the merriment and joy that I witness on > this, the anniversary of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. People > dress up in bright clothing, give candy to everyone in the office, > and put little hearts on everything. That's one thing I don't > understand, why people think that a disembodied heart with an arrow > through it is a symbol of love and sweaty snuggle-bunnies. To me, > that symbolizes the tragedy of the massacre. I don't understand it. > Every year I dress in black in mourning for the victims, yet every > year, people look at me strangely for doing it. > > Could you please explain this strange human custom to me? I seek > enlightenment so that I can properly de-program my office from > celebrating such a sad anniversary in such a mockingly joyous > manner. > > I tremble in anticipation of your wise answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Wild - this is a repeat. I refused to answer this before, and I get } it again. Kinzler, what are the odds on that?] } } You're not Irish, are you? } } Basically, St. Valentine's Day is a huge wake for the victims. } People also realize subconsciously that they could be the victim of } random violence any day, any place, and they celebrate the fact that } this hasn't happened to them yet. } } In fact, several people choose to celebrate this day in the way that } they know best - they get laid. } } So stop dressing in black! You're the death of the party! Get out } there and celebrate that people were killed, and none of them were } you! } } As far as the disembodied, punctured heart goes, that's another } primitive "warding-off" symbol, like the wake itself. If you've ever } been in love, and had the OTHER person break it off, you understand } what it means. People use this symbol in hope that it doesn't happen } to them. } } You owe the Oracle a chocolate bunny with an arrow through it. No, } wait, that's not right ... ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 26 Feb 92 06:13:51 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #415-07 Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most wise oracle, who's feet I am not worthy to drool upon, > please answer my most humble question: > > What happens to my socks that disappear between putting them in the > washer and not finding them in the dryer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS' GROUP } in conjunction with } RIVERA PRODUCTIONS } present a } GERALDO RIVERA SPECIAL REPORT: } } DRYERS: } Household Appliance or Gateway to Hell? } } "Hello, this is Geraldo Rivera." } } } } "As you may or may not be aware, for years there have been } mysterious disappearances stemming from this device ... " } } } } "The common theory is that forgetful people accidentally drop things } while inserting or removing clothing from the dryer. But Dr. Jack } Shyster of Cypress Community College has a different theory. We have } him with us in the studio tonight via a satellite downlink. Dr. } Shyster?" } } } } Shyster: "Hello, Geraldo!" } } "Hello, Dr. Shyster. I'm sure the audience is on tenterhooks waiting } for you to reveal your theory." } } Shyster: "Well, it's quite simple, Geraldo. The electrons produced } from the static electricity all garments have, combined with the } rotational property of the dryer's drum, turns every household dryer } into a cyclotron." } } "Fascinating, Doctor. But how does this explain the disappearance?" } } Shyster: "This particle acceleration disrupts the local space-time } continuum, effectively ... " " ... } opening a gateway into another dimension!!" } } Audience: "Ooooooooooohh ... " } } "Thank you for that report, Dr. Shyster." } } } } "Tonight, we're going to put Dr. Shyster's theory to the test. I'm } going to be loaded-- along with some wool socks-- into this dryer." } } Audience: "Ooooooooooohh ... " } } "When the dryer is in motion, I'll be reporting what I see to you } via this surgically implanted microphone." } } Audience: "Ooooooooooohh ... " } } } } "A bit cramped, but I'll manage." } } } } "A bit disorient ing, but I think I can manage ... " } }